I am not much of a middle of the night blogger. But seeing as I am staying the night in the hospital, I tend to wake up as suddenly as I doze off. I have few hours yet until it is morning and the silence is stunning. Thus, I take advantage of the opportunity.
I just had my tonsils removed and am quite comfortable with an assortment of liquids as well as pain relievers. And yet, my mind is still busy. The silence encourages my thought processes. I have two things on my mind: my physical being and my physical environment. The two of these culminate into one theme: my small business. My role as a writer, my ambitions as an artist, and the family’s desire to become more involved in alternative agriculture.
I think about how this spring I began exploring my understanding of my physical being through writing. Well, then I got sick. My throat inflamed terribly. A little ironic, I think.
Just a bit later into the summer, amid deadlines, my husband’s surgery, and my continuing illness, I said,
And so, that is why I am here recovering from surgery. Four months of reoccurring throat pain became a great barrier. I spent my days feeling bad. I neglected my garden, I struggled to juggle projects, I couldn’t let go of material things, and I couldn’t move on.
I literally, I could not move on into what the future had in store for me: a space for my office studio. I was told about this opportunity to gain a space the day after I cleaned out my home office. It felt like the universe was fast at work. I was granted access just after July 4.
But here it is October 9th and I have yet to move in. Why? Because the universe was at work in other ways as well.
Here I have access to space in which I can do my work as a writer and as an artist. I had wanted it so badly. But then I came to realize the building has the exact layout of my first apartment. I stumbled. I stumbled back into a time when I felt like my life calling was to be a writer and an artist. I stumbled back into a small sliver of my youth in which I loved being myself.
But, I was only 18 and had so much to learn at that time. It was eerily surreal that this new space recalled many incidents of this time in my life. Some good, some bad. All true, because I was living a true existence. That was until I got derailed, began a pattern of self-sabotage, and soon was unable to pay my bills. It didn’t take long for me to totally abuse my entire physical existence, after all I was only 18.
And perhaps now, I get a chance to do it differently.
Sure, I was scared to make the move into a similar place.
But I know have the courage to say, once again, “That was then, this is now.”
I begin to have a sense that the life I envision is possible.
I think about an article I read this morning about the art of making a living as an artist.
I think about the business plan I developed one year ago, and how I have the opportunity to revisit that again now.
I think about how far my writing has come in the past year.
I think about a project I am working on now, helping a farmer and local foods activist friend develop her vision statement for an application.
I keep thinking about what she wrote about the growing population of would-be farmers that are prepared to unleash their creativity, but just need assurance that their dreams and plans would be possible.
I think that term farmer could be replaced by any of my potential titles, and she still would have been able to include me in that statement. After all, there are so many possibilities ahead!
And so many ideas floating around in this head of mine.
And more than ideas, but passion as well.
Perhaps in overcoming this barrier of pain, fear, and disconnect, I am better able to pave a new pathway within so that my own great ideas can connect with my true passion in order to freely engage with my own physical environment.